Jakarta, July 2017
I was feeling really bad when I left you, mom, and my siblings. I still remembered the last time we met. Not much that you said, I just remembered your face when the last time you led me go to the airport. Neither hug nor cry, just silent between us. Honestly, now I felt regret, why I didn’t have a brave to hug my father?? For the last time? Oh really I don’t know why?? Maybe because I didn’t really close to him. In my mind, I am just thinking why dad didn’t feel sad leaving him. Maybe actually, he was sad but can’t show it because he is not a romantic person. And I think he wanna teach me how to be a strong, a independent woman before he will go forever.
Three years after that, I had a call told me that you are gone forever. My heart was broken immediately after I heard that. You are gone without permission, without saw me for the last time and without saying good bye to me. I think it’s really really bad dad. I am really disappointed, you were so selfish. You didn’t care and love us. I’m angry but I can’t say that, I felt like I wanna die but I didn’t know how. I wondering why, why, and why to God, but I didn’t find the answer. I felt like the earth stopping rotate. I just feel lonely so deeply and my heart filled with remorse after your leaving. And yes, this feeling doesn’t goes away till now.
I think this feeling can move on day by day, week by week, and year by year. And you know what, I’m totally wrong. I just miss you so badly, dad. I wonder how your looks nowadays if you still alive. Are you watching what I’m doing right now? What I eat? Who’s my friend? How’s my study? I miss you dad, i miss your call, i miss when you get mad on me, miss when you take me to school, miss when you’re joking (Pisang Saleh). Too much of the memories that happen which I can’t described it one by one in this letter. I always remember it dad, the memories that I keep in my heart.
Thank you dad for giving me the childhood like that. Sometimes, when I feel lonely and stress (which I don’t know why it happen), I just wanna cry all day. Yeah, so weak I am. My sister told me maybe I just miss you so my tear fall away. I forget you dad, remembering you make my heartache. I regret everything that I have done to you dad, everything. I just wanna say sorry from the deep of my heart. I just realize that I love you as much as my heart does. You are my father, the one in this earth who cares me a lot. But God more loves you, I know that, so He took you away from us. I hope one day I can understand why, so the regret can go away. I know that I have another Father who takes care of me and my family a lot. Thanks God for being my Father, for wipe out my tear, my loneliness, for everything that You have done in my life. I realize that having You as my Father is enough for me. Many thanks for giving me “a dad” likes him for he entire of my life and forgive me for my careless to him yesterday (really, I feel bad for this).
“Losing you, dad, is the worst part of my life but I believe that now I have a God, and it means I have everything. I know that. Ones, I can’t wait to see you dad. Don’t forget to joke Pisang Saleh there!”
Your little daughter,